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Making Waffles

Me: I’ve turned the waffle iron on.
She: Why did you put it there? Now you’re going to make a mess in two spots!
Me: We always put it there.
She: Did you get the mix out?
Me: Yes. I’ll start mixing it in this bowl.
She: Use milk instead of the water it says.
Me: OK.
She: Wait! You have to fill the measuring cup to the top to get the right amount.
Me: Too late. It’ll be OK.
She: Maybe
Me: I’m putting on the first waffle.
She: Did you get the sausage…[said with a skeptical look.]?
Me: [Scurrying to the freezer to pick up the sausage. Taking the package to the microwave and starting it.] Yep.
She: [voice raised]: don’t put it on the tray directly. Here, let me have it. Do you want the whole thing?
Me: Just half.
She: [Snatches frozen turkey sausage—which looks like a foot long hotdog—from my hand.]
Me: …but I have to thaw it before I cut it!
She: [Takes the frozen sausage. Bangs it with a loud thump on the counter.] Do you want the big half or the small half?
Me: Small.
She: Your waffle is ready.
Me: [slightly panicked because the sausage hasn’t even been put in the pan] It was just a test waffle. I’ll make the actual waffles when the sausage is ready.
She: [slicing up the now thawed sausage into individual pieces] Did you put the pan on for the sausage?
Me: [Further panicked, begin search for frying pan. Find it and ask] What measuring cup should I use?
She: Skip the measuring cup. Just take the pan to the sink and spritz some water in it.
Me: [Complying, put pan on and turn on max to get quickest warm-up]: OK
She: What are you setting it on? Put it on “4”.
Me: [Now totally cowed by the directions of the “Oracle”, I comply. Turn back to the “test” waffle and think about eating it since all this work has made me VERY hungry.]
She: Where’s your syrup?
Me: [Even more panic. Open fridge and desperately search for our large jug of pure maple syrup. Attempt to twist cap off. Find cap is frozen. Attempt to open with towel. Fails. Bang lid on counter—following the lead from the sausage breaker person. Cap comes off readily, including a large dollup of pure maple syrup.]
She: Now you’ve made a mess in yet a 3rd spot.
Me: [Ignoring last comment scurry to “good dishes” cabinet and obtain syrup pitcher. Return to large syrup container and pour syrup into pitcher. Half goes in, half runs down side of pitcher. Notice that She is looking at me in total disbelief. Ignore look and stick pitcher in microwave.]
She: No! Now you’re going to make a mess in the microwave. Let me have it! [Takes pitcher, cleans off side. Puts back into microwave and activates.]

Interlude: sausage finally cooks; syrup finally heats. Test waffle consumed and replaced by “actual waffles.” Eat same, (with sausage) and put on another waffle.

She: [Calling from other room] What happened to your last waffle?
Me: [Noticing slight hint of smoke from waffle iron…] I think it’s ready. [Attempting to look nonchalant, walk over to waffle iron, open and discover what looks like piece of deeply stained wood.] Turned out just fine. [Thinking to myself: maybe I can use it as a shim for my next wood project--as I stealthily dump waffle into trash.]

Other Pop Writings:
Caddo! (5/2002)
Raising Cane (4/2002)
Ask Anything? (3/2002)
The Race (3/2002)
The Hill (3/2002)
A Remembrance (3/2002)
Christmas, 1941 (12/2001)
Endo II (3/2001)
Endo I (10/2000)
The Course (5/2000)
The Rope (1/2000)

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